Random bothers

“I refuse to paint myself a picture of unhappiness” with that said I am dedicating sometime to me, to find myself, to find what truly does make me happy causing me to have an adrenalin rush. I can’t tell the last time that I can honestly say I have been completely happy but I’m going to do my best to change that. I am fully aware that there are going to be obstacles that I must overcome& detours along the road to happiness and I know it is all going to take time to get to where I want to be. I do know that I’m going to need the encouragement and sometimes an extra push from the people I call friends, the people who besides my blood I consider to be family because I won’t always be able to do it on my own.
You know sometimes we lose a friend (not by death) and we wonder why then we realize if they were your friend in the first place they would have never left. “People walk out of your life so better people can enter” so damn true! “Some people enter our lives for a reason while some only for a season” I won’t elaborate on that point any further all I will say is don’t let your “friends” stand behind you because he/she may just have a knife ready to stab you in the back. I rather my real friends to stand beside me.
So where do I start, this year so far has been a very rocky one in terms of friendship, school & love. I’ve lost friends and I’ve made some new ones and rekindled with some old ones. School ugh the more work I tend to do is the worst it seems to get but I do have an exam phobia which is kind of the reason but right now I’m trying to get over it by studying and trying to keep my focus and not panic but I’m a natural worrier so freaking out and stressing especially in areas I’m weak at tends to happen sometimes even before I can notice it sigh. Worrying tends to be the easier strategy even when I try not to.
Love an awesome feeling actually especially if you are loved in returned but love is also probably the slowest form of suicide as it slowly destroys you from the inside. Love is a growing process and sometimes the best to love someone is just by being a friend. Love for me sometimes complicates everything but the ability to overcome and move on takes real strength and maturity. Right now I can’t deny my feelings but I do question if they are all going in vain or is it worth it. It does bother me that I don’t know what to expect next sigh. I really hate feeling left out in the dark feeling all lost. If it’s real love it’s worth the pain huh?
All I can really do is have faith and hope everything works out the way it should until then I will just pray.