Emotional roller coaster

My life is like an emotional roller coaster,one minute I'm extremely happy or at some level of contentment and the next thing I know I'm at a depressed stage sometimes for apparently no reason. I'm getting frustrated with myself,I hate not knowing why I have all these emotions I mean where did they all come from. The emotions just hit me all at once from a smile to a frown.
I know right now I feel empty like something is missing in my life I really wish I knew what. Should n't I be the person to control my happiness,so why when I try something always seems to get in the way? School,sucky friendship,etc... School I know for sure is a key element in my rollercoaster cause quite frankly i feel like I'm on the brink of failure *sigh* that worries me really it does. This has been my worst semester so far& I can't wait for it to be over.
I constantly feel sick I wish I had some clue as to why. But still nothing is explaining why my emotions are so random and frequent, am I bipolar? :S I am seriously wondering that, am I schizophrenic sigh I really want some answers.
I hate what I'm feeling, I mean how can it be normal to love&hate a person all at once,one minute your at your happiest with them&the next u feel like u just want to strangle them or run a knife through their heart. When did I become such an emotional wreck...i used to be the girl who had some level of emotional stability, the girl who gave advice but now I'm the girl who needs advice, the one who needs to be comforted.
I fear that this emotional rollercoaster is going to cause me some of the most important people in my life, feel as if I'm going to end up hurting them or pushing them away.
I need an outlet, I need some way to let it all out,I need an escape&most of all I think I need to re-find myself. I want to be the girl I used to be just a bit stronger,I want to take control of my emotions again&just be happy.

Random bothers

“I refuse to paint myself a picture of unhappiness” with that said I am dedicating sometime to me, to find myself, to find what truly does make me happy causing me to have an adrenalin rush. I can’t tell the last time that I can honestly say I have been completely happy but I’m going to do my best to change that. I am fully aware that there are going to be obstacles that I must overcome& detours along the road to happiness and I know it is all going to take time to get to where I want to be. I do know that I’m going to need the encouragement and sometimes an extra push from the people I call friends, the people who besides my blood I consider to be family because I won’t always be able to do it on my own.
You know sometimes we lose a friend (not by death) and we wonder why then we realize if they were your friend in the first place they would have never left. “People walk out of your life so better people can enter” so damn true! “Some people enter our lives for a reason while some only for a season” I won’t elaborate on that point any further all I will say is don’t let your “friends” stand behind you because he/she may just have a knife ready to stab you in the back. I rather my real friends to stand beside me.
So where do I start, this year so far has been a very rocky one in terms of friendship, school & love. I’ve lost friends and I’ve made some new ones and rekindled with some old ones. School ugh the more work I tend to do is the worst it seems to get but I do have an exam phobia which is kind of the reason but right now I’m trying to get over it by studying and trying to keep my focus and not panic but I’m a natural worrier so freaking out and stressing especially in areas I’m weak at tends to happen sometimes even before I can notice it sigh. Worrying tends to be the easier strategy even when I try not to.
Love an awesome feeling actually especially if you are loved in returned but love is also probably the slowest form of suicide as it slowly destroys you from the inside. Love is a growing process and sometimes the best to love someone is just by being a friend. Love for me sometimes complicates everything but the ability to overcome and move on takes real strength and maturity. Right now I can’t deny my feelings but I do question if they are all going in vain or is it worth it. It does bother me that I don’t know what to expect next sigh. I really hate feeling left out in the dark feeling all lost. If it’s real love it’s worth the pain huh?
All I can really do is have faith and hope everything works out the way it should until then I will just pray.

My world of darkness

Sitting alone in a crowded room,
Oh such an irony,
Suddenly the lights go out and the room goes pitch black
Screams of fright and panic are let out,
But I can't seem to make a sound

All alone with so many people around,
A feeling I know all too well
A feeling of loneliness as I have no-one to turn to
A feeling of nothingness & fear

Depression now lingers,
Of course it would, afterall depression & loneliness are the best of friends
As they make up for each other's shortcomings,
I become clothed in misery in the shade of worry& stripes of anxiety
As the walls around me come crumbling down

The walls have crumbled,
leaving me with nowhere to turn & nothing to cling,
now what do I do to brighten up my world?

sighz

I think I'm at that point in my life where the simplest of things pisses me off/annoys me. I'm moodier than the average person and I am nowhere near being happy right now. I feel like i annoy the people I care about the most with my problems and all my thoughts and whatnot *sigh* I think I need God now more than ever before cause he alone understands,he alone can help me through it, they say he never gives u more than u can bare although I feel like I can't bare being a burden to people anymore. I'm afraid of opening up to people because I think I'll scare them away with all I have to say but at the same time I feel like I'm pushing people away by not being open and honest with them :(
I wish I could go back to when I was 5 when nothing ever bothered me and all I had to worry about were my dollies *sigh* I'm tired of keeping my tears in and when I do cry I'm tired of not being able to stop. I write this in an attempt to avoid doing something stupid. I feel like most people if not all has already given up on me all that's left is for me to give up on myself I'm hanging on by a really thin thread cause once I can give up on me then why should n't everybody else? *sigh*
So much more thoughts in my mind and I can't seem to express them as freely as I'd like. I just hope it will get better cause I honestly can't take this much more.

If u can't change it then accept it

The only thing that's constant in life is change. People change some for the better and some for the worse and we all have to experience change no matter what u do or who u are. The sad thing about change is most times we find it hard to accept a change instead we try to block it out or just ignore it because it's usually a case where we want to have things easy and the way we are used to it.
I have learnt that if u I don't like something i should change it if i can't change it then i should accept it although it's easier said than done but I'm trying to ACCEPT the way things are right now. My life has its ups and downs I got to choose to ride this roller coaster called life,I have got to live for today and hope for the future, got to appreciate the little things in life,I want to be happy so i have to ACCEPT life as it is. Life was never meant to be easy if it was then how would we learn and how would we grow?
In life friends will walk in and out but it's the few people who leave their footprints on your heart that really matter, some friends may change like the seasons but they're the ones who enter your life that help u realize who really matters and who never will and who your real friends are. Some friends make an impression on your life in such a way that no matter what they will always hold that place in your heart cause u'll have the precious memories and u'll always appreciate the times you shared.
Life is too short to hold grudges so just forgive and move on. Forgiveness is not for the weak but for the strong. So I'll try and forgive as much as i would want to be forgiven and I'll try and accept the changes that comes along.

destination:LIFE

I'm at a point in my life right now where I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down I feel as if i have nothing left to give but for some reason I keep pushing trying to find something there. School annoys me one of my courses especially no matter what I do is like i can never seem to do it right and everything else is just average although i would believe or people have made me to believe I'm above average i have numerous capabilities that i just need to explore. Honestly i feel like i'm going to fail everything which i really can't afford to cause it's costly to re-do courses and it would be a major set back.
I recently started thinking to myself what really are my goals I'm majoring in something that I once loved but now i'm not so sure that's the path i wanna take. Although en route to the future it would be expected that a few detours would fall in place.
What happens when the people you always thought would be there for u fail u? Who are u going to rely on for advice and a shoulder to cry on and who are u going to share you secrets with? What do u do when your trust is betrayed more than once? How do u know u can trust someone after all u been through? I have questions but why can i never seem to come up with the answers?

random blabbing

So today I decided to do something I never thought i could do and that was to deactivate my facebook account. Facebook is one of my greatest addictions but it was helping me to lose myself instead of helping me to find myself plus i have exams coming up soon so i decided it was time to give it up.

Life is one in which we all have to make sacrifices and compromises,we not always be happy and we may not always be willing but it is necessary for growth, strength and life itself. Life is like a roller coaster it has its ups and downs we jus have to strap in and ride, after all if u want to see the rainbow u have to experience rain.

In life u got to take the good with the bad the happy with the sad, is up to you to decide how you deal with the obstacles life throws at you.

Anyways i plan to use here as my safe-haven.